For Parents of small kids....

[Alcan]

Congratulations on turning two. You should be proud of reaching this stage and understand the responsibilities and expectations that come with this birthday. You have officially entered what parents like to call the “terrible twos.” It is important you live up to this title.

Some helpful instructions:

1. For the near future, you dislike everything. This includes things you used to love. Examples would be the rubber ducky song you used to listen to constantly, waffles, your lovey, bath time, shoes, the book you used to request every night at bedtime and even your father. Express your new displeasure loudly, declaring “I don’t like that” as often as possible. This sentence should be followed by tears, whining or both.

2. Changing clothes should now cause you great distress. Pretend someone is sticking needles in your eyes when your parent is putting a shirt over your head. And please remember rule No. 1 when your mother selects your favourite fire truck shirt. Don’t give up on your protest even when she pins you to the bed or pleads for co-operation.

3. Say the word ‘no’ at least 200 times a day. Bonus points if you can hit 300. On weekends, aim even higher. Your responses do not need to be rational or logical. Feel free to scream your dismay when your father peels a banana for you like he has done every day since you started eating. How dare he do it today.

4. If you have successfully settled into day care, now is the time to start freaking out in the morning again. Real tears will affect your mother for the whole day. Oh, and don’t let her use her pregnancy as a sympathy ploy. You never asked for a sibling and certainly did everything in your power to ensure your parents were never alone. This time they can’t plead ignorance about the challenges of parenthood. They knew what they were getting into.

5. Keep them guessing. If you like crackers one day, hate them the next. Ask for the rubber ducky song again and then throw a tantrum when it starts playing. Cry when your dad hands you a banana with the peel on. You only wanted to do it yourself yesterday.

6. Speaking of tantrums, we understand you are new to this behaviour. Generally we recommend back arching and unreasonable, irrational meltdowns, preferably in public. Biting and hitting can be used on rare occasions.

7. Naps are for the weak. If you must sleep, wait until you are grossly overtired and your parents look like they might walk off a cliff before closing your eyes. If you have been a consistent napper in the past, now is the time to shake it up. Throw in a few 5 a.m. wake-ups to ensure your parents are really exhausted, which will make your tantrums all the more difficult to endure. And don’t you dare think of starting to sleep through the night. You’ve made it this far, don’t give in now.

8. If you’ve started potty training, we recommend regressing to diapers only. Stickers just aren’t worth it and that potty dance your dad does is lame. Save your largest poops until one minute before you leave for day care. This will make mom late for work.

We understand this is a lot to ask, but it’s important that you act like a miserable, irrational maniac as much as possible. Your fellow toddlers are counting on you. We know you can do it.

Signed,

Your terrible peer group