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14 July 2009, 03:15 AM | #1 |
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More tommy cooper jokes
So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears.
I said "Do you recognise the tune?" He said "I recognise the ivory". I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought "He's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said, "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said "Okay then". I said, "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa". I said "Moo". He said "You're closest". You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. Then I rang her up and said "Do you get my drift?". So I went down the local supermarket and said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it". He said "Those are pickled onions". So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar. Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need ... a Je-hoover's witness". You see, my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he's a catholic converter. So I rang up British Telecom. I said "I want to report a nuisance caller". He said "Not you again". So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot" I said "I'll take that as a condiment". Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch. And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?". So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
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14 July 2009, 05:05 AM | #2 |
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14 July 2009, 05:25 AM | #3 |
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14 July 2009, 05:44 AM | #4 |
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
Then I rang her up and said "Do you get my drift?". HAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA This I can relate to!!
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14 July 2009, 08:09 PM | #5 |
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Very good!!!
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SS GMT-II 16710 PEPSI(Z-serial#) THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND BOYS IS THE PRICE OF THE TOYS!!! MontBlanc Meisterstuck Doue Silver Barley MontBlanc Meisterstuck Solitaire Doue Signum Proud Card Carrying Member of the Curmudgeons.....Yikes!!! |
14 July 2009, 08:16 PM | #6 |
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Thats one of my favorites too
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15 July 2009, 03:51 AM | #7 |
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15 July 2009, 08:55 AM | #8 |
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15 July 2009, 02:00 PM | #9 |
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15 July 2009, 07:44 PM | #10 |
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dear old Tommy may he RIP
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16 July 2009, 08:30 AM | #11 |
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