Parenting question

[blassy]

So I’m not new to the game but looking for some advice on an odd situation.
My 10 year old daughter has been getting a lot of everything she wants because mom rarely says no. I’m trying to teach her that sometimes it has to be no. Not setting you up well in life if you get whatever you want. Wife bought Taylor Swift concert tickets for Vancouver and off we went. 1k in merchandise and I said that’s your concert for the year.
Daughter calls from friends house tonight. They’re going to see Katie Parry in toronto and the tickets are 200 dollars. Can I go with them?
I said no - we discussed this and sometimes you can’t just get everything you want.
An hour later she called back and said ….”oh my god I’m so excited. Her mom bought me a ticket!!!!”
Well now I’m in an awkward spot. Lovely gesture but I already said no. They said we will happily cover the cost because we bought it without telling you. However I’m kind of in a corner. It’s a lot of money. She’s excited to go but I already said no. Said all she has to pay for is her merch and dinner. But I feel compelled to give them the money now anyway and it’s sending the wrong message again to my daughter.
Not sure of my move here.

[0nly5iv3Digits]

The move is to stand firm. No concert means "no concert". Explain the situation (in brief) to the parents. They should have honestly asked you about this anyway. There are a lot of reasons the parent of a 10 year old girl may not be "cool" with their "child" going to a Katy Perry concert...

No need to give them any money. That's just insulting and makes you look... the opposite of "secure". You explain the above and any sensible person wouldn't bat an eye. They'll find someone else to allocate the ticket to. But that's on them.

Good luck, chief

[Andad]

As a father of 8 (4 of each), a grandfather of 17 and a great grandfather of 2 that is an interesting situation.

In my experience, and for similar future situations, its best if No means No.

[blassy]

Originally Posted by Andad

As a father of 8 (4 of each), a grandfather of 17 and a great grandfather of 2 that is an interesting situation.

In my experience, and for similar future situations, its best if No means No.

I agree. When my parents said no… it was a no. I don’t blame my kid, but these other parents put me in a really terrible slot. I explicitly told them via text that I would discuss buying her a ticket with her mom and she needed to learn the value of no. When their kid cried because mine might not be able to go, they just bought her a ticket.
I’m an older dad and my father was born in the 20s. On his own from the age of 10 so I leaned the value of things. It’s important to me.

[wcgreiner]

Ugh, tough spot—that mom totally undercut you. I’d let her go (since the damage is done), but have a real talk afterward: ‘This was a one-time exception because they surprised us, not how things normally work.’ And maybe quietly Venmo the mom half to keep it fair without making it a thing...

[Ghost410]

I’d play it very differently and probably the completely wrong way. I’d pay the parents for the ticket and after explain the situation of you telling her no more concerts this year so she knows the value of no. Then I’d tell my daughter she cannot go. The lesson learned will be when you’ve made a decision it’s final no matter how awkward the situation is

[Old Expat Beast]

Imagine your daughter as a 70+ yr old grandma telling her grandkids about how she still remembers missing that concert way back in 2025, with a wistful half-smile and a tear in her eye.

[Cru Jones]

Who is this mom that buys a ticket without checking with you? That is why I would not feel the need to reimburse the mom….

Anyway, if your daughter pays for everything out of her allowance money, then going would serve a lesson in a way, I suppose. If she doesn’t have allowance money, then it’s time to start rolling up the sleeves if she really wants to go.

[mailman]

Originally Posted by 0nly5iv3Digits

The move is to stand firm. No concert means "no concert". Explain the situation (in brief) to the parents. They should have honestly asked you about this anyway. There are a lot of reasons the parent of a 10 year old girl may not be "cool" with their "child" going to a Katy Perry concert...

No need to give them any money. That's just insulting and makes you look... the opposite of "secure". You explain the above and any sensible person wouldn't bat an eye. They'll find someone else to allocate the ticket to. But that's on them.

Good luck, chief

Originally Posted by Cru Jones

Who is this mom that buys a ticket without checking with you? That is why I would not feel the need to reimburse the mom….

Anyway, if your daughter pays for everything out of her allowance money, then going would serve a lesson in a way, I suppose. If she doesn’t have allowance money, then it’s time to start rolling up the sleeves if she really wants to go.

I’m along the lines with these answers also. I would never do something with or to someone else’s child without checking with the parents first.

Even before I was a parent I understood that.

[herts9]

I guess I'm more lenient than others. I would allow it as a special circumstance and make it abundantly clear this was an aberration. It's just a concert, not a backpacking trip through the alps. A little flexibility shouldn't undercut a parental directive, especially if she's relatively a good kid. Gets good grades, doesn't act out, all that.

But if you feel she doesn't deserve to go, 86 it.

Coming from a parent of a 7 year old, knowing my decisions with him will only get more difficult.

[1st amg]

Originally Posted by blassy

I agree. When my parents said no… it was a no. I don’t blame my kid, but these other parents put me in a really terrible slot. I explicitly told them via text that I would discuss buying her a ticket with her mom and she needed to learn the value of no. When their kid cried because mine might not be able to go, they just bought her a ticket.
I’m an older dad and my father was born in the 20s. On his own from the age of 10 so I leaned the value of things. It’s important to me.

OOOOFFFF... these parents overstepped you big time. That would infuriate me, especially because you told them. This is out of bounds for the other parents, and it is a precursor to more $hit coming your way. I would stand firm on this and tell them no thanks. I told you already. Besides, you had a family outing booked already. Take your child and family and occupy yourself, the concert is some time away still, so lots of time to take care of this.

[77T]

Originally Posted by blassy

So I’m not new to the game but looking for some advice on an odd situation.
My 10 year old daughter has been getting a lot of everything she wants because mom rarely says no. I’m trying to teach her that sometimes it has to be no. Not setting you up well in life if you get whatever you want. Wife bought Taylor Swift concert tickets for Vancouver and off we went. 1k in merchandise and I said that’s your concert for the year.
Daughter calls from friends house tonight. They’re going to see Katie Parry in toronto and the tickets are 200 dollars. Can I go with them?
I said no - we discussed this and sometimes you can’t just get everything you want.
An hour later she called back and said ….”oh my god I’m so excited. Her mom bought me a ticket!!!!”
Well now I’m in an awkward spot. Lovely gesture but I already said no. They said we will happily cover the cost because we bought it without telling you. However I’m kind of in a corner. It’s a lot of money. She’s excited to go but I already said no. Said all she has to pay for is her merch and dinner. But I feel compelled to give them the money now anyway and it’s sending the wrong message again to my daughter.
Not sure of my move here.

This situation presents a challenge and maybe you're feeling cornered. It's a valuable opportunity for you to navigate the delicate balance between teaching about boundaries and being flexible in light of new circumstances. She definitely outmaneuvered you on the money front. Maybe that's because the earlier TS concert cost was the "lesson" she took away from "that’s your concert for the year". You were clear but she might've sensed it was only about the money.

You have 5 options I could conjure up - some preserve your original position but have tradeoffs. I like #3 and I'd secretly reimburse the other Mom with a confidential note about letting you know in advance for any future situation. I think she just wanted her daughter to be happy by having your daughter along for the KP concert.

1. Reinforce the Lesson: You could stick to the original decision and explain why you said no. This reinforces the lesson that not every opportunity can be pursued and that sometimes, sacrifices must be made. You could emphasize the importance of her being grateful for the experiences she's already had, such as the Taylor Swift concert. But the tradeoff is an appearance of overly rigid reaction to her outwitting the money angle.

2. Acknowledge the Gesture: You might consider recognizing the gesture made by the other parent(s). You could explain that while it’s wonderful that her friends want to include her, the initial decision after the TS concert was made for important reasons beyond money. This can help validate the entitlement feelings while emphasizing the life-lesson you meant to convey earlier (but got crossed-up by mentioning money). Also a risk in maintaining your boundaries for your daughter.

3. Compromise: A middle-ground approach could be to allow your daughter to attend the concert but frame it as a special exception. Perhaps discuss that this is a unique situation and not a precedent for future requests. You might also involve your daughter in a discussion about the bigger picture you were communicating after the TS concert. Also, include her contributing something towards the cost (allowance pledged?), even if it’s minimal, to foster a sense of responsibility. Very little tradeoff if you feel good about being flexible.

4. Teach about Gratitude and Value: Use this opportunity to talk about the value of experiences versus material things. Stand firm in your original position. Have a conversation about being thankful for what she has and understanding that not everything is guaranteed. This can be a teachable moment about appreciating friends’ generosity while also recognizing the importance of your vs their family’s values. Big risk of her becoming accusatory, but that's why you get paid the big bucks as a Dad to a 10y.o.!

5. Discuss Future Expectations: Do nothing about the situation at hand. Instead, pivot to her cunning and ask if "this is how it's going to be?" (I'm fairly certain her convo over at that other household centered on your lack of willingness to pay) This incident could lead to a broader conversation about expectations moving forward. It may help to establish clear guidelines about outings and expenses that everyone agrees on, which provides a framework for future discussions and decisions. This has a risk of shaming her unless you deftly navigate the final outcome.


In closing, I presume you are comfortable with the other Mom's supervisory skills during this KP concert. If not, then forget everything above.

The goal should be to help her learn about boundaries, gratitude, and the value of experiences while also fostering a healthy relationship with you - and your wife if she is favorable to your choice on this situation. If you are at odds in the parenting then this situation is an opportunity for growth for everyone.


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[Old Expat Beast]

Originally Posted by 77T

This situation presents a challenge and maybe you're feeling cornered. It's a valuable opportunity for you to navigate the delicate balance between teaching about boundaries and being flexible in light of new circumstances. She definitely outmaneuvered you on the money front. Maybe that's because the earlier TS concert cost was the "lesson" she took away from "that’s your concert for the year". You were clear but she might've sensed it was only about the money.

You have 5 options I could conjure up - some preserve your original position but have tradeoffs. I like #3 and I'd secretly reimburse the other Mom with a confidential note about letting you know in advance for any future situation. I think she just wanted her daughter to be happy by having your daughter along for the KP concert.

1. Reinforce the Lesson: You could stick to the original decision and explain why you said no. This reinforces the lesson that not every opportunity can be pursued and that sometimes, sacrifices must be made. You could emphasize the importance of her being grateful for the experiences she's already had, such as the Taylor Swift concert. But the tradeoff is an appearance of overly rigid reaction to her outwitting the money angle.

2. Acknowledge the Gesture: You might consider recognizing the gesture made by the other parent(s). You could explain that while it’s wonderful that her friends want to include her, the initial decision after the TS concert was made for important reasons beyond money. This can help validate the entitlement feelings while emphasizing the life-lesson you meant to convey earlier (but got crossed-up by mentioning money). Also a risk in maintaining your boundaries for your daughter.

3. Compromise: A middle-ground approach could be to allow your daughter to attend the concert but frame it as a special exception. Perhaps discuss that this is a unique situation and not a precedent for future requests. You might also involve your daughter in a discussion about the bigger picture you were communicating after the TS concert. Also, include her contributing something towards the cost (allowance pledged?), even if it’s minimal, to foster a sense of responsibility. Very little tradeoff if you feel good about being flexible.

4. Teach about Gratitude and Value: Use this opportunity to talk about the value of experiences versus material things. Stand firm in your original position. Have a conversation about being thankful for what she has and understanding that not everything is guaranteed. This can be a teachable moment about appreciating friends’ generosity while also recognizing the importance of your vs their family’s values. Big risk of her becoming accusatory, but that's why you get paid the big bucks as a Dad to a 10y.o.!

5. Discuss Future Expectations: Do nothing about the situation at hand. Instead, pivot to her cunning and ask if "this is how it's going to be?" (I'm fairly certain her convo over at that other household centered on your lack of willingness to pay) This incident could lead to a broader conversation about expectations moving forward. It may help to establish clear guidelines about outings and expenses that everyone agrees on, which provides a framework for future discussions and decisions. This has a risk of shaming her unless you deftly navigate the final outcome.


In closing, I presume you are comfortable with the other Mom's supervisory skills during this KP concert. If not, then forget everything above.

The goal should be to help her learn about boundaries, gratitude, and the value of experiences while also fostering a healthy relationship with you and her Mom. This situation is an opportunity for growth for everyone.


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We might have to change your Real Name to PaulGPT.

[77T]

Originally Posted by Old Expat Beast

We might have to change your Real Name to PaulGPT.

That's a compliment I'll cherish.

I wrote the 5 choices and then had it do some wordsmithing which you'll see in my edits.

I use ChatGPT to look for any unconscious/implicit bias in my original ideas. It's been useful.


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[Old Expat Beast]

[1William]

As a father of two I have had to try to balance doing for my children and spoiling them. My wife comes from a very humble background and did not have any privileges growing up. As a parent she tends to be indulgent because she was not able to do most of the things our children can. With that said, I also think that saying no to just say no is the wrong way to go also. No reason she can not go to the concert except that you decided to arbitrarily teach her a lesson. Then you got played by your daughter and the other mother. Now you are going down the road to more questionable decisions which will ripple out. Take a step back, let her go to the concert, don't pay the other undermining mother and let her have a good time. Then discuss with your daughter the issues and make a stand/rule going forward and hold to it.

[blassy]

She’s not a bad kid. Little spoiled but I think boundaries are important.
She wanted to go like any 10 year old girl would want to go. With her friends in a big limo.
I’m fine with pushing boundaries. I’m not ok with the situation the other mom put me in.
I can’t punish her for not REALLY doing anything wrong. I would never be so presumptive with another kid knowing their parent’s wishes though.
I feel bad for the money she laid out. Don’t feel obliged to repay though given the situation.

[blassy]

Originally Posted by 1st amg

OOOOFFFF... these parents overstepped you big time. That would infuriate me, especially because you told them. This is out of bounds for the other parents, and it is a precursor to more $hit coming your way. I would stand firm on this and tell them no thanks. I told you already. Besides, you had a family outing booked already. Take your child and family and occupy yourself, the concert is some time away still, so lots of time to take care of this.

This is my problem. I can’t blame a 10 year old for wanting to go - especially after they ordered a limo. The mom texted me right before she bought them and I said I would talk to my wife but that she’s been told the Taylor Swift concert was her big treat for the year. Other mom’s daughter was crying that she wanted mine to go so other mom caved and just bought them as a gift.
Wasn’t about the money.
My problem is with her.

[Maleg]

Originally Posted by blassy

This is my problem. I can’t blame a 10 year old for wanting to go - especially after they ordered a limo. The mom texted me right before she bought them and I said I would talk to my wife but that she’s been told the Taylor Swift concert was her big treat for the year. Other mom’s daughter was crying that she wanted mine to go so other mom caved and just bought them as a gift.
Wasn’t about the money.
My problem is with her.

Your child will remember the lesson if you stand firm now. You said no, she should learn to honor your wishes. This won't get better with time if you don't begin to establish firm boundaries now.

As for the other parents, texts aren't talking. Pick up the phone and explain your concerns and help them to help you. This isn't worth burning social bridges, but they need to understand that spoiling your child to avoid disappointing their child isn't the direction you want to go.

They can eat the ticket price. You never agreed to it. It's on them to own it. As others have said, it will be easy to fill that seat with someone else, so this shouldn't be a hardship that damages your relationship with them.

[AzPaul]

10 years old is what, 4th grade? Limos, tickets to much in-demand concerts, $1,000 in merchandise . . . . sounds like the 'value of a dollar' horse may already be out of the barn.

[brandrea]

My advice…

your wife and you need to get on the same page

[JasoninDenver]

Originally Posted by 1st amg

ooooffff... These parents overstepped you big time. That would infuriate me, especially because you told them. This is out of bounds for the other parents, and it is a precursor to more $hit coming your way. I would stand firm on this and tell them no thanks. I told you already. Besides, you had a family outing booked already. Take your child and family and occupy yourself, the concert is some time away still, so lots of time to take care of this.

1000%.

[JasoninDenver]

Originally Posted by blassy

This is my problem. I can’t blame a 10 year old for wanting to go - especially after they ordered a limo. The mom texted me right before she bought them and I said I would talk to my wife but that she’s been told the Taylor Swift concert was her big treat for the year. Other mom’s daughter was crying that she wanted mine to go so other mom caved and just bought them as a gift.
Wasn’t about the money.
My problem is with her.

Bad news - you are going to continually encounter such situations with other kids’ parents given the socioeconomic strata in which you inhabit.

The important thing here is to stress integrity. Yours, your daughter’s and the other parents. The best thing you can do is teach your daughter the importance of integrity and the value of her word.

It sounds like you are handling this very well. Often I found the best courses of action are the hardest ones to take.

As my daughters have grown up (now 15 and 17) they actually are aware and appreciate the parenting decisions we made years ago that seemed unreasonable if not draconian at the time. Especially as one neighbor kid has gone off the rails as a direct of no discipline from her parents.

[Krash]

I have a 30 year old and a 27 year old, and sometimes feel like I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing as a parent.

But seriously, in the grand scheme of things, there are some things that just don’t matter as much as you think they do. And then there are things that really mattered, but you don’t think they did.

The most important thing as a parent is to provide a loving, supportive environment for your children.


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[OG1982]

No means no, if not you are setting a dangerous precedent.

Also, it's not mandatory to buy merch at a gig, 1k? Jeez.

[OG1982]

Originally Posted by blassy

I agree. When my parents said no… it was a no. I don’t blame my kid, but these other parents put me in a really terrible slot. I explicitly told them via text that I would discuss buying her a ticket with her mom and she needed to learn the value of no. When their kid cried because mine might not be able to go, they just bought her a ticket.
I’m an older dad and my father was born in the 20s. On his own from the age of 10 so I leaned the value of things. It’s important to me.

Sounds like the kid is in charge, not the parents.

Life lessons don't learn themselves, be a good parent and put your foot down.

[Brenngun]

Tough situation but frankly the other parents put you in it. There is no way they should have made that commitment without your approval. That's on them. You said no and that should stand. No means No period. Stick with that decision otherwise she will see you as a flip flopper and will push that line more and more.

If the other parents are important to you I would let them know that even though you appreciate their gesture it was never about the money. You had already said no and you're now in a more difficult position because you need to stick with that decision. Hopefully they will read between the lines and understand that they put you in that position. If they do I'd offer to cover the ticket costs as a good will gesture and they can dispose off the ticket. If they don't then the cost is on them. Good Luck

[mailman]

Originally Posted by 1st amg

OOOOFFFF... these parents overstepped you big time. That would infuriate me, especially because you told them. This is out of bounds for the other parents, and it is a precursor to more $hit coming your way. I would stand firm on this and tell them no thanks. I told you already. Besides, you had a family outing booked already. Take your child and family and occupy yourself, the concert is some time away still, so lots of time to take care of this.

X10,000

[THC]

Originally Posted by AzPaul

10 years old is what, 4th grade? Limos, tickets to much in-demand concerts, $1,000 in merchandise . . . . sounds like the 'value of a dollar' horse may already be out of the barn.

This for sure

[colpol]

Originally Posted by brandrea

My advice…

your wife and you need to get on the same page

Just about to say the same
2 parents not on same page = not good

I had a friend growing up who got everything
Got everything / respected nothing - caused problems later in life when his dad tried to cut the chord & he didn’t want t it cut - in his 30s