Thank you note protocol 2025.

[scarlet knight]

We attended our niece’s wedding in Arizona. We primarily live in Florida. We paid for airfare, hotel, restaurants, car rental and my wife and I took out the bride, groom and all our attending relatives to lunch the day after the wedding at a very nice restaurant. Plus we gave the couple a large cash gift.

Today we received a postcard with a pre-printed thank you note. It says the same for everyone. Not personalized in any way. Only 65 guests at the wedding, so not so many people. Disappointing.

Is this how things are done now?

[MrGoat]

Originally Posted by scarlet knight

We attended our niece’s wedding in Arizona. We primarily live in Florida. We paid for airfare, hotel, restaurants, car rental and my wife and I took out the bride, groom and all our attending relatives to lunch the day after the wedding at a very nice restaurant. Plus we gave the couple a large cash gift.

Today we received a postcard with a pre-printed thank you note. It says the same for everyone. Not personalized in any way. Only 65 guests at the wedding, so not so many people. Disappointing.

Is this how things are done now?

How close are you with your niece?

We are already putting money in a bail/lawyer fund for one of ours because she is (for lack of a better word) very spirited. It’s literally a joke in the family because she knows to call Aunt and Uncle Goat in that situation because we’d go across the globe to get her out of a jam with no judgement.

If she sent us some pre made wedding note I’d be questioning how much we actually matter to her.

If we only saw each other once every other year and simply attended her wedding because we were invited and she knew we’d come with a substantial gift then I wouldn’t care too much.

I presume the automation of things that used to be considered personal will only diminish further as we progress into the future. So I guess those of us with younger nieces and nephews better start preparing ourselves now.


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[AzPaul]

Originally Posted by scarlet knight

We attended our niece’s wedding in Arizona. We primarily live in Florida. We paid for airfare, hotel, restaurants, car rental and my wife and I took out the bride, groom and all our attending relatives to lunch the day after the wedding at a very nice restaurant. Plus we gave the couple a large cash gift.

Today we received a postcard with a pre-printed thank you note. It says the same for everyone. Not personalized in any way. Only 65 guests at the wedding, so not so many people. Disappointing.

Is this how things are done now?

I too have received the mass produced thank you note, but it always had a personal inscription added. Think I'd chalk your lack of one up to a big fail on the part of your niece and new spouse.

[77T]

Yes, that's all there is.
I think of Peggy Lee...and one of her lyrics:

Is that all there is?
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is.

You did get a huge dose of oxytocin during the lunch. That's all there is.

Expectations unrequited.

It’s often connected to your “expectation management”. You held certain beliefs about how your contributions would be acknowledged.

Clearly your expectations were not met. I wouldn't harbor feelings of neglect or emotional disappointment.

It was a wonderful affair, a wedding, and a luncheon to remember. You probably also met a lot of new friends.


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[MrGoat]

Originally Posted by 77T

Yes, that's all there is.
I think of Peggy Lee...and one of her lyrics:

Is that all there is?
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is.

You did get a huge dose of oxytocin during the lunch. That's all there is.

Expectations unrequited.

It’s often connected to your “expectation management”. You held certain beliefs about how your contributions would be acknowledged.

Clearly your expectations were not met. I wouldn't harbor feelings of neglect or emotional disappointment.

It was a wonderful affair, a wedding, and a luncheon to remember. You probably also met a lot of new friends.


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As always, incredibly insightful and well articulated Paul.


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[Boothroyd]

My wife and I have been in similar situations. It's easy. It is up to the couple to meet thank you expectations in line with the generosity presented.

The modality of response could be different than I expect (like presenting a quick thank you video rather than a hand-written card), but we expect the amplitude of the thank you to meet the act and level of giving.

It's up to them to level up, not the donor to lower their expectations. Consider their response in future requests for assistance, baby showers, etc.

[Krash]

We recently attended some weddings for nieces and nephews, too. Like you, we also gave very generous gifts. But now that I’m thinking about it, I’m not sure we ever got any sort of thank you note for any of them.


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[Moondoggy]

IMO, just lazy and bad manners.

[codecow]

I write a handwritten thank you note for my VCA sales assistant in Vegas, but unfortunately I’m no longer a kid.

Kids are busy these days. I got married so long ago I barely remember it (also I was drunk) but I do remember writing tons of thank you notes.

Really what it boils down to is that if you have low to no expectations then you can’t be disappointed or upset by people’s behavior. So I try to live like this and avoid the stress. It does bother me when people have poor manners, but these days people are effectively raised by hand held devices and phones and they get their manners from influencers and TikTok.

Being grateful for anything doesn’t seem to be part of our culture anymore.

[codecow]

Originally Posted by Krash

We recently attended some weddings for nieces and nephews, too. Like you, we also gave very generous gifts. But now that I’m thinking about it, I’m not sure we ever got any sort of thank you note for any of them.


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I have gotten used to people not saying “thank you” or even asking “please”.

“Can you…”

When I was a kid if I asked my father, “Can you…” and he was in a bad mood, that’d be a beating. “Would you please?” Ok. I watch some younger people on YouTube who never say please when they ask someone to do something. When I was a kid I’d literally get beaten for that. Every time I start cringing and my wife is like “what?”

[1st amg]

It's the generation of entitlement. You did more than expected, and as long as you enjoyed that moment, that's what matters. These young kids do not know how to be appreciative. Pretty sad.

[THC]

Totally agree with Nicholas

Sad state of etiquette affairs everywhere

[ltmgeller]

I'm surprised it wasn't digital

[scarlet knight]

I once said to my wife that I’m leaving work, but I have to stop at the post office and the bank on the way home. She said you are the last person to stop at those places.

I guess a handwritten note is an inconvenience and burden of the past. So is actually thinking of something and writing about it. As is handwriting itself. This is not a problem, so much as a cultural observation. I think things were better in the past in this category.

[enjoythemusic]

Well, we are now living in the 2000s, not the 1900s. Seems to me many 1900s traditions are no longer valid in the 2000s. jmho

They could have at least used AI to create 65 unique Thank You cards. By having a file with info of name/gift, AI could have very easily created custom Thank You cards for each of the 65. They seem lazy, tho to be fair be thankful you at least got a Thank You card at all.

PS: My old, out-of-date cousin born in the mid-1900s still sends e-cards(!).

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by ltmgeller

I'm surprised it wasn't digital

[1William]

I see no issue with the response from your niece and her new husband. Your expectations were different and that is where the rub is. Don't make this about you and your disappointment. It sounds like you and your wife are the classy and giving type of people who value family and special events and did some very nice things at this wedding. But you did them because of who you are and what you value. Your niece and husband are living in a different time and place from us and that is ok but in the end you helped make this wedding a very special time, and that is enough. Just my thoughts.

[brandrea]

I try my very best to give openly, without the expectation of any special thanks. That said, I can’t say I’m always very good at it.

Like you, I can’t deny that there’s always a bit of disappointment when there appears to be a lack of effort.

[Cru Jones]

Were they also not appreciative to you when you all were together during the event?

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by Cru Jones

Were they also not appreciative to you when you all were together during the event?

That’s good perspective

[Maleg]

How long has it been?

The computer generated thank you notes can be part of the wedding planners gig. The notes are sent automatically during the busy post marriage time to ensure everyone gets tagged with a thank you.

Since you're asking, you should take the time to look at why you gifted so generously. What was the reason for your generosity? Was it the genuine gift giving spirit or were you looking for recognition? If it is the former, the auto-note is not an issue since you met your expectations in your giving and their response is not important. If it is the latter, recognition from this couple may be scant, so adjust your gifting accordingly.

[Speedbird-1]

Not being judgemental but......Just something I remember, from school.

Teach us, good Lord,
to serve you as you deserve,
to give and not to count the cost,
to fight and not to heed the wounds,
to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labour and not to ask for any reward,
save that of knowing that we do your will.


I know what you mean though, seems a tad thoughtless. Maybe there is something else, 'in the post'.

[Greenp]

I would expect my kids to hand write a note and list the gift they received.

[scarlet knight]

Originally Posted by Cru Jones

Were they also not appreciative to you when you all were together during the event?

We met the groom for the first time. Cordial, but not effervescent.

We will survive this perceived slight. Just when we assume the patriarchal role, we hope for a little appreciation.

[rootbeer7]

The last one I received was an email !!

[Casey VP-26]

I just gave a cash gift, but the same thing happened. I'm attributing it to this new world were living in.

[Easy E]

At least you got one at all. That's a W by many standards today, I believe.

[piratfisk]

Originally Posted by 77T

...that's all there is.

You did get a huge dose of oxytocin during the lunch. That's all there is.

Expectations unrequited.

It’s often connected to your “expectation management”. You held certain beliefs about how your contributions would be acknowledged.

Clearly your expectations were not met. I wouldn't harbor feelings of neglect or emotional disappointment.

It was a wonderful affair, a wedding, and a luncheon to remember. You probably also met a lot of new friends.

Excellent observation. Some of the biggest heartbreak I've felt has been due to expectations (mis)management. SHOULD they have sent a handwritten note? So says you. That's your expectation of them & they had no idea this expectation existed, so of course they weren't going to meet it.

I'm taking a neutral stance here. Would it have been nice? Absolutely! Was it necessary? No. Is it indicative of the generation-after-me's inability to make meaningful connection on anything other than a screen? Likely.

Wish them the best & keep it rollin'. No need to grey another hair over it, as my wife says when she points to my beard.

[scarlet knight]

Originally Posted by Easy E

At least you got one at all. That's a W by many standards today, I believe.

About ten years ago, we flew from NJ to Seattle to attend my cousin’s daughter’s wedding. Gave a nice gift, never got any thank you note at all.They divorced quickly, guess we’re not getting a note.

[AzPaul]

After reading through this thread, pretty easy to tell who does and who doesn't send thank you notes