My Brother is Gone

[AzPaul]

I come from a family of three children. My older sister, myself, and my kid brother, Tom. For me, there was a gap of about 2 1/2 years to both. I shared a room with my brother for a good part of my youth and it wasn't always easy as he was on 'the spectrum'. A term that wasn't used back then for a brain processing condition that was only beginning to be understood.

My brother was intelligent and could learn as well as anyone else, but his ability to socialize left much to be desired. He was angry a lot, no doubt because he lived in a world where the way he was, wasn't what other people wanted to be around. In school, he was often mocked and picked on. He was called things like 'schizo' and 'retard', and believe me, much, much worse. Naturally, this only made him feel more isolated and unaccepted, and a chip on his shoulder started to grow.

And I was no saint, either. While I was the person in the world closest to him, my patience had limits too. There were plenty of times when I would have given anything for a 'normal' brother. Of course, it certainly wasn't all bad. We had our good times and lots of laughs, but it wasn't the kind of brother relationship you grow up seeing on TV. Not for him or me.

Had you known him back in those days, back when he so often combative and angry, you'd have never bet on him going through his adult life without ending up in jail. But my brother proved 'em wrong. He always supported himself and as far as any of us know, never got in any serious trouble with the law. He didn't always tell the truth about things, but it wasn't because he was looking to take advantage of anyone. Rather, it was because he didn't want people thinking he wasn't doing okay, that he wasn't making out just as good as anybody else. That chip again. But if dishonesty can be noble, his brand was.

Then, a few weeks ago we got a phone call. Tom had passed away, at home and of natural causes. He was 60. He never had a sweetheart, had few friends, and other than his dogs, didn't seem to like being around others. I would see him a few times a year at family get-togethers and kept in touch with him by email on a weekly basis. More often than not, though, I would send and he wouldn't answer. But that was okay. For the most part, I just wanted him to know I was there for whatever. But like the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water . . . . . . .

In a few weeks, his ashes will be placed out at the Veteran's Cemetary where we'll gather as a family and say one final goodbye. The poor kid deserved better from this life and if the day ever comes when I get to sit down with God, I'll have a few questions.

Thanks for letting me share this. It helped to just write it out, and I'm sure I'm not the only one with a similar tale.

[Malum]

He obviously lived his life on his terms. It’s sad when someone passes at 60 . My sincere condolences to you and your family .

[brandrea]

I’m sorry for your loss Paul.

That was a tough read for me as I have a similar relationship with my own brother. His struggles are different but they impact him in similar ways.

I hope you and your family find peace in knowing your brother lived the only life he knew. That’s how I reconcile my feelings about my own brother.

Peace to you and yours.

[cdmorenot]

Looks like he did his best considering all the challenges. You lost a brother and I’m really sorry about that.

Thank you for sharing with us.

[East Bay Rider]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope he's found his peace after living out this difficult life.

[~JJ]

We’ve never exchanged messages, but I’ve always enjoyed your posts. Very sad news and my condolences to you and your family, Paul.

[sickened1]

My condolences Paul. Truly sorry for your loss.

[JasoninDenver]

Sorry to hear of his passing. It sounds as he found the place in the world that he wanted for himself. It also sounds like you have been a good brother.

[RichM]

Condolences and Prayers for you and your family Paul. Thanks for sharing his story. Passed way too young.

[Bazil]

That must have been difficult and very upsetting to write … please accept my condolences …

[DJ TT 2002]

It is a huge step towards healing for a person to share their feelings.
We all arrive on this planet with different faults and foibles; different skills and talents.
We make our way and hope for the best outcomes.
Many have to face nearly insurmountable challenges.
It’s all part of being human.

I celebrate our triumphs and failures with equal gusto!

My condolences

T

[Blansky]

Thanks for sharing you and your brother's story. I had a similar growing up with a sister that had polio.

Not the anti social aspects but my feeling that, dammit life is not fair to some people. And the guilt we feel that we can't really seem to help them and that we got all the breaks.

[THC]

I have 3 brothers Paul and cannot imagine your pain

Sincere condolences my friend

[Romeojk]

RIP Tom. Sorry for your loss Paul. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, losing a brother must be so tough 🥹🥹


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[Krash]

So sorry to hear about this. I have a similar story to tell. Your brother and my brother sound like the same person. My brother passed away several years ago.


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[Jackie Daytona]

So sorry for your loss. Condolences to your family.

[Giovannibravo]

Originally Posted by AzPaul

I come from a family of three children. My older sister, myself, and my kid brother, Tom. For me, there was a gap of about 2 1/2 years to both. I shared a room with my brother for a good part of my youth and it wasn't always easy as he was on 'the spectrum'. A term that wasn't used back then for a brain processing condition that was only beginning to be understood.

My brother was intelligent and could learn as well as anyone else, but his ability to socialize left much to be desired. He was angry a lot, no doubt because he lived in a world where the way he was, wasn't what other people wanted to be around. In school, he was often mocked and picked on. He was called things like 'schizo' and 'retard', and believe me, much, much worse. Naturally, this only made him feel more isolated and unaccepted, and a chip on his shoulder started to grow.

And I was no saint, either. While I was the person in the world closest to him, my patience had limits too. There were plenty of times when I would have given anything for a 'normal' brother. Of course, it certainly wasn't all bad. We had our good times and lots of laughs, but it wasn't the kind of brother relationship you grow up seeing on TV. Not for him or me.

Had you known him back in those days, back when he so often combative and angry, you'd have never bet on him going through his adult life without ending up in jail. But my brother proved 'em wrong. He always supported himself and as far as any of us know, never got in any serious trouble with the law. He didn't always tell the truth about things, but it wasn't because he was looking to take advantage of anyone. Rather, it was because he didn't want people thinking he wasn't doing okay, that he wasn't making out just as good as anybody else. That chip again. But if dishonesty can be noble, his brand was.

Then, a few weeks ago we got a phone call. Tom had passed away, at home and of natural causes. He was 60. He never had a sweetheart, had few friends, and other than his dogs, didn't seem to like being around others. I would see him a few times a year at family get-togethers and kept in touch with him by email on a weekly basis. More often than not, though, I would send and he wouldn't answer. But that was okay. For the most part, I just wanted him to know I was there for whatever. But like the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water . . . . . . .

In a few weeks, his ashes will be placed out at the Veteran's Cemetary where we'll gather as a family and say one final goodbye. The poor kid deserved better from this life and if the day ever comes when I get to sit down with God, I'll have a few questions.

Thanks for letting me share this. It helped to just write it out, and I'm sure I'm not the only one with a similar tale.

My condolences to you and your family, Paul. I can’t imagine what it is like to have a sibling that struggles day to day like that. Especially, as a brother you must have felt it was your job to stick up for them and guide them. That’s quite a difficult task in cruel world we live in. Just know they saw everything you did for them.


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[swils8610]

So sorry for your loss Paul.


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[KathleenL]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Paul.

It was strange for me, reading this today. Today my brother would have turned 68. He died when he was 38.

[AzPaul]

You all are very nice, thank you.

It's been hard reflecting back on my brother's life without being mad at the universe for stacking the deck so heavily against him. I mean it's one thing for a person to not have had much of a life because of the choices they make, but it's quite another to have never even had a chance.
It all just seems so unfair.

[boa2]

Originally Posted by AzPaul

You all are very nice, thank you.

It's been hard reflecting back on my brother's life without being mad at the universe for stacking the deck so heavily against him. I mean it's one thing for a person to not have had much of a life because of the choices they make, but it's quite another to have never even had a chance.
It all just seems so unfair.

I appreciate you sharing this, Tom, and am very sorry for your loss. The way you speak about him is inspirational. I wish you and your family the very best.

[elau1958]

Sorry for your loss. You may not know it but I am sure he lived his life happily. He probably thought the rest of us are kookoo and he was the normal one. But he lived a full life in his terms, that's important.

[Moondoggy]

Well done conveying your thoughts, hopefully you will feel better and reflect in a peaceful way.

[kieselguhr]

Sorry to hear about your loss. May he rest in peace peace

[DLRIDES]

Most sincere condolences Paul.

[chieftd]

Very sorry for your loss

[HL65]

Sorry for your loss Paul!

[agriculture&watches]

Condolences. Sorry for your loss

[mailman]

I’m sorry for your loss Paul.

[1st amg]

My very deepest of condolences Paul. Rest in peace little brother.