Top 20 Tips.

[padi56]

1.DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

2.RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

3.DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds, in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

4.WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

5.MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.


6.MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

7.ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.


8.DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

9.CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.


10.ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

11.McDonald's Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

12.WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a
sh*t anyway, and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house
after he has finished.

13.LADIES - An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

14.SCROOGES - Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".

15.PLUMBERS - Farts stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited and used as an underwater welding torch for those tricky but essential emergency plug chain repairs.

16.Old telephone directories make handy, cheap address books.
Simply cross out the names, addresses and numbers of anyone you don't know.

17.CONSTIPATED. driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.

18.FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guards uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!

19.SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.

20.Anorexics. When your knees are wider than your thighs, start eating cakes again.

[JJ Irani]

LOL! No.13 and 18 were great!!

[AJC]

[Seadweller]

Loved them all and agree with JJ ,13 is a cracker !

[padi56]

Yes but not if you are a wasp

[Rockrolex]

LOL!! All of them are pretty funny. A good way to start a Monday morning.