College Application Letter.

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College application

Hugh Gallagher

[19, of Newtown Square, PA, and NYU]



Question:

Are there any significant experiences you have had, or
accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you
as a person?

Answer:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I
translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for
three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco,
a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a
horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted
by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm
bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban
hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless
bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I
receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the
weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling
centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food
item in the supermarket. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I
sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to
write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using
only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I
have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri
Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I
have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with
Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.