25 rules for life

[figbo]

> 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
> 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
> content.
> 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
> 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
> it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
> 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
> standing up really fast.
> 6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
> 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live
> with.
> 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
> moaner.
> 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
> 10..I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them
> get elected.
> 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely
> no trade-in value.
> 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you
> tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
> 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
> person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
> 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
> 15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
> 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
> days I've stayed alive.
> 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend
> my plan to attain world peace,
> and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
> 18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
> 19. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door
> you're on.
> 20.. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
> peeing section in a swimming pool?
> 21. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
> 22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
> naked?
> 23 Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
> 24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
> words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
>