Political Correct And Health & Safety

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EQUALITY, DIVERSITY, INCLUSION, HEALTH AND SAFETY AND ADMIRAL NELSON

NELSON: “Order the signal, Hardy”

HARDY: “Aye, aye sir”

NELSON: “Hold on, That’s not what I dictated to flags. What’s the meaning of this??”

HARDY: “Sorry Sir?”

NELSON: (Reading aloud) “England expects every PERSON to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability” “What kind of gobbledygook is this????”

HARDY: “Admiralty policy I’m afraid sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the Devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

NELSON: “Gadzooks Hardy! Hand me my pipe and tobacco”

HARDY: “Sorry sir, all Naval vessels have now been designated smoke free working environments.”

NELSON: “ In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle”

HARDY: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the governments policy on binge drinking”

NELSON: “Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it……..full speed ahead.”

HARDY: “Umm, actually, I think you’ll find there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water”

NELSON: “Damm it all man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history! We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please Hardy.”

HARDY: “That won’t be possible sir.”

NELSON: “WHAT??”

HARDY: “Health and safety have closed it down sir. No safety harness. And they said that the rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding has been erected and everyone’s been on an intensive training course.”

NELSON: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy”

HARDY: “Can’t. He’s busy knocking up some wheelchair access to the poop deck Admiral.”

NELSON: “Wheelchair access?? I’ve never heard of anything so absurd.”

HARDY: Disability discrimination act sir. We must provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”

NELSON: “Differently abled??? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse to even hear mention of the phrase. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card!”

HARDY: “Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency”

NELSON: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons!

HARDY: “ A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

NELSON: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

HARDY: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone sir.”

NELSON: “What?? This is mutiny!!”

HARDY: “It’s not that sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone during the battle. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks!”

NELSON: “Then how are we supposed to sink the Frenches and the Spanish?”

HARDY: “Actually sir, we’re not”

NELSON: “We’re not?”

HARDY: “No sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could be hit by a claim for compensation.”

NELSON: “But surely you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the Devil.”

HARDY: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you say that sir, you’ll be up on a disciplinary.”

NELSON: “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”


HARDY: “Not anymore sir. We’ve to be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life.”

NELSON: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash??”

HARDY: “As I explained sir, rum is off the menu. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”

NELSON: “What about sodomy?”

HARDY: “I believe that is now legal sir”

NELSON: “In that case, kiss me, Hardy”and Roger me gently

And this is getting truer every day now in the UK.