Retirement & the new toy

[Launch Mini]

I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion is my retirement
> and I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely bride. What I
> came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.
> For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
> less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an
> assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
> flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
> long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
> to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed
> assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
> goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never
> seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too
> cool! I've seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found this handheld
> one for civilians.
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
> batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
> disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
> directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
> create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
> effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
> against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
> back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
> it. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
> Yipeeeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
> explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There
> I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting little soul),
> reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must
> admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and thought
> better of it. She is such a sweet kitty after all. But, if I was going to
> give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
> some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to
> think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched
> delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the
> other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
> loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
> assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm
> looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch
> in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
> batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" trust me, but I'm getting
> ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll
> do my best.
>
> Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
> I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side
> as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
> a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
> under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
> one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is
> like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
> decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't
> ya hate that?)
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****!
> DAaaaaMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front
> door, picked me up out of that recliner then body slammed me on the carpet
> over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with
> my left arm tucked under my body! in the oddest position. The cat was
> standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
> undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
> caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
> You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
> hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
> won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.
> SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
> a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
> left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
> mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
> and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
> with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or
> two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they
> ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round. Miss 'em...! Sure would like
> to get'em back.
>
> I wonder what retirement day two will bring?