Henny Youngman One Liners and Murphy’s 15 laws

[hsfrank]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring
and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!


The wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we
should hold auditions for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I decided to commit suicide. But strangely enough,
once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “F##k it!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the
kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and
painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
Murphy's other 15 laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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