Is it time to walk away?

[amg55]

We’ve been married for over twenty years, no kids. The past few have been miserable. It seems I’m always saying or doing the wrong thing. Then she’s full on beast mode, full of anger, tantrums, forever bringing up the things in the past that upset her. Ive been so close from walking away so many times. I’ve been to therapy hoping I can be a better person for her. I’ve tried and tried and always feel like I’m walking on egg shells.

We are financially independent and we should be enjoying our lives but we aren’t. I know I’m gong to be hit financially hard but I can always make that money back. I’m in my late 50s, healthy and mentally sound, not sure for how much longer though.

What was your tipping point? What held you back from walking away ? How did you mentally cope with the financial loss? I’d love to hear your input.

[Bazil]

I don’t think I’m the sort of person that would bleed my heart out to a bunch of sometimes sarky strangers..
I wouldn’t say I’ve been in your shoes but married 33 years and not without difficulty ..
But it’s about working through things and exhausting all possibilities before cutting ties ..
Perhaps take a short break , see if a bit of distance helps make your minds up for you ..
Last thing on my mind would be the financial side, the emotional is more important to me …
That’s my take sure others will chip in, but your not asking for help on your next watch this is life defining so has to come from you two, not a bunch of strangers and bezel spotters like us.
I wish you good luck in whatever happens I’m sure it’s a very sad time right now!

[THC]

Every marriage is different, but alas, the same.. don’t take any bait.. if she is angry do not react…stay calm and speak normally back to her.
What is the source of her anger? Your past?
Trying to figure out a woman, is the biggest mystery of the universe.
Only you know your path forward.
Good luck sir

[Pw92676]

Before walking away I would at least explore options including:
-couples counseling
-psychiatric care for both
-medical/gynecologic evaluation possibly to see if there may be hormonal shift over the past two years

I genuinely hope it worked out. Never like hearing about splits. Life is too short to be alone. But life is also too short to be miserable. Wishing you the best! If you ever want to PM/talk offline I’m happy to lend an ear.

[superdog]

Left my marriage after 8 years.

It’s been nearly 3 years and I’m still very sad about it. I dream about her often. My biggest failure in life.

She’s a good person, but we were really not getting along. I won’t go into detail. But I too felt as though I couldn’t get anything right. I too felt like I was walking on eggshells.

My tipping point was after one of my worst professional days ever. I had a business dinner that night. Not one I was looking forward to.

She decided to get into it with me just after I explained how bad my day was and how upset I was.

I decided it simply wasn’t worth it anymore. It was over for me. We ended it shortly after.

When we got together, I had just sold my fitness centers and my day business was starting to heat up. So I insisted on a prenup.

I sold majority share of that second business just a few months prior to the split.

I ripped up the prenup and gave her 1/3 anyway. It was a big hit. But I’d made a commitment to make sure she was taken care of. I take my commitments seriously enough that I felt it was the right thing to do.

No regrets.

Still hurts, this whole scenario.

I take it back. I have many regrets. But id not change the outcome at this point.

[THC]

You are a good man Seth

[330ci]

I've seen it go both ways. Sometimes the devil we know is better than the devil we don't, and at your age, everyone has their own baggage.

Do you want to be out on the prowl at 50 if another relationship is in your horizon? Do you want kids? Does your partner feel the same way?

My current partner will full out admit she's a nag, and I genuinely am annoyed in the moments it happens. But I'll be dammed if my productivity isn't significantly improved by it. when it gets to a point where I genuinely can't do anything more I let her know.

She made the week leading up to my 30th birthday hell, and I ended up not celebrating it due to trouble in our relationship, which almost was a breaking point for me. no way I'm entering this decade on a bad note, but I also recognize I'm a PITA in many ways even when I am giving 110%.

Some of you are making me think I should give up on this one though ����

If you haven't read the book "from good to great" it really springs to mind for some reason.

I feel like you're experiencing what everyone experiences at some or multiple points in their relationship; its tough, but also something that can be confronted.

I know it sounds crazy, but you're over here talking about divorce and I'm thinking "this guy should surprise his wife with a vacation".

Just playing devils advocate here, but if she's bringing up stuff from the past, it sounds like its still hurting her. Maybe validate her feelings, continuously apologize and make actionable changes in those areas then point out how you're working on it without worrying about her reactive state for the moment. You know where she's at, I'm sure you've tried some stuff working with your therapist, and she might not tell you outright whats really bothering her; but there's always something. Whether it be not putting in the effort you did early in the relationship, if she's around your age she could be experiencing menopause, maybe there was experiences she was hoping you both would share and feels time is running out, could be a myriad of reasons. You've been with her 20 years, most which don't sound to have been horrible. I understand thinking of it as a sunk cost, but investing in down markets also yields some of the most profitable results.

I've screwed up every good relationship to come my way, and my experience is that women are generally pretty forgiving when genuine efforts are given. I'm 30, which puts me at the beginning of your journey and being 20 years deep into a monogamous relationship, financially stable, with a woman who resents me sounds like a fun challenge. I'd take my chances trying to make her happy again over a financial hit, playing the market in these ages and hoping for a better outcome.

I know it sucks having to put in effort when your needs aren't being met in a relationship, but its usually what it takes to turn the ship around. They say happy wife happy life for a reason, she's not going to fulfill your desires until hers are fulfilled, however tough that may be.

Best of luck! Wishing you both well.

[1William]

We are all accountable for our actions and if there are no repercussions for bad behavior it just continues and will get worse. Have a discussion about the behavior that is unacceptable on your wife's part and ask that it be addressed and that it stops. You must also be ready to hear what it is that you are doing that might be causing this behavior. More than likely this will not work as she probable does not even know what it is that is causing her behavior. With no children or other ties I would get ready to walk. No offense to anyone but you don't get to treat me any way you want without cause and expect me to take it. I have been married 31 years to the same woman and am as ready to walk today as ever. I am also ready to dig in and work hard at staying together and I have. Life is too short and has too many challenges to have to put up with long term bad behavior. Good luck.

[superdog]

Originally Posted by THC

You are a good man Seth

That’s nice of you to say.

I truly try to do unto others…

Trying. Thank you.

[brandrea]

I sense the pain in you and I truly wish you the very best.

There isn’t a whole lot I can add to the above, much of it is great advice.

Sometimes I wonder if there should be an age limit on marriage. Maybe a life experience requirement or some such thing

IMHO when you marry “young” you’ll either grow together in the same overall direction, or you’ll grow apart. I found this in my first marriage and and 13 years in, it was clear we weren’t right for each other.

Much later on in life, I met my person. I think I met her because I was ready, more mature, confident in who I am etc. she was the same. I’d rather be alone than in a bad relationship and in that mind set, you’re really in a great place in life. When the right person comes along you know it.

I know that’s not exactly what you asked OP, but I hope it helps.

All the best

[AzPaul]

You sound miserable. One thing's for sure, it can't stay like this.
Best of luck.

[joli160]

Similar experience, almost an exact copy of how you described your situation.
I had the talk many times that I was not happy anymore with her lack of showing love and care.
There were no others involved but one day I left and never looked back. Just had enough.
Initially lots of tears and doubts from me, devastated. I really wanted it to work.
Nowadays very happy, no more stress and completely relaxed. In hind sight I waited too long.
Needless to say but financially a disaster. Lost everything which showed her true colors and confirmed I made the right call.
Money has never been a real motivator for me so I don’t care much about.
I can live very basic and minimalistic. Inner peace matters 1000 times more.

Human beings need true love and warmth, if that is gone what’s left to live for.
Care about yourself if nobody else does it.

Just my experience but if it is not too late to fix than try to work it out

[Dan Pierce]

Marriage is nothing if not a constant lesson in humility. If BOTH are not willing to fall on the sword on occasion it makes for a very rough road, leading to a dead end.

Been married 38 years and fallen on lots of swords.
dP

[swils8610]

If you truly aren’t happy and you’ve exhausted ways to try and make it work the time may come to walk away. No one deserves to be unhappy with their life. My parents divorced in 1978…it was the best thing that ever for my dad. He married a true soulmate and has very happily married now 45 years. Good luck


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[TRS1]

Marriage is super complex. From what little you’ve provided it’s not about just YOU going to therapy, but BOTH, otherwise it probably won’t work out. Add kids and things get even more difficult and complex, but it also can be the best thing in the world.

Less people are getting married and having kids cause it’s hard. It is also worth it when effort is made on both sides. The birth rate has never been lower and could spell the end of humanity, but that is a subject for another thread.

[Speedbird-1]

Maybe not totally applicable here, who knows, but, menopause is a wicked symptom to deal with....on both sides of the bed.

The same can be said of HRT...don't ask me how I know.

Forgiveness and humility can be very hard taskmasters.

[enjoythemusic]

Am just curious, what Perscription drugs were you both on when you first met, and what drugs are you both using now?

Long ago a now ex took Paxil, it murdered our relationship imho. Egg shells, instability... she had added... problems... thankfully we agreed to bail.

[Maleg]

Originally Posted by Speedbird-1

Maybe not totally applicable here, who knows, but, menopause is a wicked symptom to deal with....on both sides of the bed.

The same can be said of HRT...don't ask me how I know.

Forgiveness and humility can be very hard taskmasters.

Agree. “The Change” was a rough patch for us. I often wondered if we’d survive it. I doubt she was completely cognizant of the personality fluctuations she had. Once we had a medical diagnosis it was a lot easier for me to process the frustrations. For the OP, I would look to a medical review before walking away.

[amg55]

Gents, thank you all for your input and words of encouragement. To answer some of your questions …
- Couple counseling, it’s a flat out no from her. She said why should she go and she’s done nothing wrong.
- HRT, never thought about this one. I’ll run it pass her once this storm blows over.
- did I do something wrong, yes I did. I had a lapse of judgement about 5 years ago with another person. I’ve been paying for it ever since. I don’t know if she can ever get pass it. I’ve been doing the best I can to be a better person and pretty much give in to her every demands and needs.

Right now I feel like I don’t have a say any more in this relationship. All I do is wait for storms to come and go. Sigh….

[Barbara_C]

From a women's point...I walked away after 16 years.....he had a drinking problem.....a telling the truth problem....and he was a mean drunk.
if I had stayed around I was going to do a Janice Soprano to Richie thing...and came damn close to it when he hit me the last time, I got my son and left being a RN I made more than him if he could hold a job. He worked in IT.
It was almost a dumb and dumber thing I could just look at the sob and tell he was fired.
Did you get fired today ...."oh yeah was not my fault" somebody had it in for him etc.
Best move I ever did when I moved into an apt till I got my life in order ....I could come home after a 12 hour shift to peace....my son and cats.

[mannyv11]

Sorry you’re going through what you’re going through. Based upon your last comment of a bad decision that was made 5 years ago and how she acts towards counseling it sounds like her decision has potentially already been made. Unless she is willing to go to counseling with you to work through it which sounds like she isn’t then I don’t see it being able to be fixed.
Money should be the last thing you’re thinking about happiness for both you and her should be priority, you get one spin on this blue marble no point in being miserable when you never know who will take your boots off.

[MichelleP]

Originally Posted by amg55

Gents, thank you all for your input and words of encouragement. To answer some of your questions …
- Couple counseling, it’s a flat out no from her. She said why should she go and she’s done nothing wrong.
- HRT, never thought about this one. I’ll run it pass her once this storm blows over.
- did I do something wrong, yes I did. I had a lapse of judgement about 5 years ago with another person. I’ve been paying for it ever since. I don’t know if she can ever get pass it. I’ve been doing the best I can to be a better person and pretty much give in to her every demands and needs.

Right now I feel like I don’t have a say any more in this relationship. All I do is wait for storms to come and go. Sigh….

It's unfortunate that she is unwilling to go to couples counseling. Even though you had the "lapse in judgement" she made the choice to stay. That isn't an easy thing to get over but it sounds like she isn't really trying to save the marriage. If she isn't able to move beyond your mistake, it will most likely come up in every small argument. I'd ask her if she truly wants this marriage to continue.

[interestedwatcher]

I saw an interesting video from a couples counsellor, who stated that the biggest problem men face is trying to “fix” and walk on egg shells to avoid fights - it actually means that the man is acting in a deceptive way - both to his partner and himself, and this causes issues for both parties. He recommended reading a book called no more Mr nice guy ( https://amzn.asia/d/0fJTCK5h) that goes into why so many men act this way and how to resolve it. I’m intending to have a read of the book, as it seems well reviewed.

I personally think you need to cast off some of your fear and eggshell walking - it simply appears to be aggravating the situation. Draw up a boundary, and stick to it - example “I am sorry for X, and I can see it has caused you pain - however I’m not going to tolerate being treated like this, if you wish to discuss this we need to do it respectfully, and jf you aren’t willing to respect that I won’t talk to you about this”.

This achieves two things - it displays a spine, which women like and it sets a clear expectation about how you expect to be treated. If she keeps going over the red line, implement real consequences - consider moving out.

I’d also consider talking to a lawyer about divorce, and understand your worst case scenario.

I have a friend who went through a nasty divorce recently - he has lost 20kg, and is happier than he’s ever been (although a bit poorer). It isn’t the end of the world to leave a toxic relationship - it can actually be the start.


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[Buck I]

Egg shells is why I'm posting. That is what I said to my Father when I asked for his advice. I was told, Son, don't try to rationalize what is irrational, it will never happen. I could not win with her, full stop. We had no children, both successful. I did take a substantial financial hit, however, and well worth it. I was in my 30's and it was nothing as now I'm in my 50's. Remarried and having the best of everything I hoped for. Life is very short and time is not on our side. Best of luck to you.

[Barbara_C]

Originally Posted by Buck I

Egg shells is why I'm posting. That is what I said to my Father when I asked for his advice. I was told, Son, don't try to rationalize what is irrational, it will never happen. I could not win with her, full stop. We had no children, both successful. I did take a substantial financial hit, however, and well worth it. I was in my 30's and it was nothing as now I'm in my 50's. Remarried and having the best of everything I hoped for. Life is very short and time is not on our side. Best of luck to you.

Im am 67 and life passes so fast you blink and its gone....time is the one commodity you cant buy or get back.
You said you are already in your fifties, do some soul searching and act be it right or wrong. There is a chance she might change but the older we get the chances are slim....

[Buck I]

Originally Posted by Barbara_C

Im am 67 and life passes so fast you blink and its gone....time is the one commodity you cant buy or get back.
You said you are already in your fifties, do some soul searching and act be it right or wrong. There is a chance she might change but the older we get the chances are slim....

You misunderstood, my plight was in my thirties. I am thrilled with my current wife and situation.

My very best to you.

[Andad]

Originally Posted by amg55

Gents, thank you all for your input and words of encouragement. To answer some of your questions …
- Couple counseling, it’s a flat out no from her. She said why should she go and she’s done nothing wrong.
- HRT, never thought about this one. I’ll run it pass her once this storm blows over.
- did I do something wrong, yes I did. I had a lapse of judgement about 5 years ago with another person. I’ve been paying for it ever since. I don’t know if she can ever get pass it. I’ve been doing the best I can to be a better person and pretty much give in to her every demands and needs.

Right now I feel like I don’t have a say any more in this relationship. All I do is wait for storms to come and go. Sigh….

This has significantly changed the original thread.

You originally asked if it was time for you to walk away?

Should you ignore all posts prior to number 19?

[Sephiroth]

My MIL is like how you describe your wife. Full of anger at FIL with a long list of grievances and, despite her best efforts with religion, is simply unwilling to see how she mistreats FIL . FIL is far from perfect but no one deserves to be verbally abused and often. My wife and I have often implored them to divorce but they won’t, so they stay unhappy and limp along. One improvement happened when MIL was finally diagnosed for her anxiety and she finally committed to medication.

I wish you the best OP.

[Barbara_C]

Originally Posted by Buck I

You misunderstood, my plight was in my thirties. I am thrilled with my current wife and situation.

My very best to you.

Im sorry i thought i was giving a point of view to the thread creator...i think a cat walked over my laptop.

[rootbeer7]

I made a mistake and very quickly realised it. Left when my daughter was only 2. Looked in the mirror one morning and it wasn’t me. Knew my ex-wife would never change. Cost me everything (except the relationship with my daughter) and still paying for another few years but met and remarried soon after and now having never fully recovered financially, I am the happiest and most secure ever.
Make that move. Be you again. If your marriage was strong, would you have strayed a few years ago?