Is it time to walk away?

[hambone1983]

I'll just say this...you can always file for divorce tomorrow. But once that's done there is likely no turning back.

I once read that the offending party in an affair has to be prepared to apologize for his/her actions until their spouse is done being angry & hurt, for years if necessary. If you've told her to get over it or just kind of tried to make peace without addressing it, many aggrieved spouses take that as insufficient contrition.

Saying she did nothing wrong is incorrect. Several years of petulance is indeed very wrong. Whether it is an equivalent amount of "wrong" on her part is irrelevant. There is work to be done by both parties, or there is no way forward.

[gliazzurri]

Originally Posted by Watchdoyouwant?

Maybe you don't fully understand why she is unhappy/angry. I think it's somewhat significant that you omitted from your first post the fact that you had an affair of some type. Then, when you did admit it, you did it somewhat euphemistically.

I don't intend to imply you're wrong about what's the issue--merely that you might be.

You stated she was unwilling to participate in couples therapy. Maybe she would speak to a therapist (alone) if you couch the purpose as explaining to the therapist (for your benefit) what you did wrong and what you need to improve upon. You may find out the problems from her perspective are different than you think they are. Whether that means the problems are fixable from your perspective is your decision to make.

At bare minimum, it might give you perspective as to what her actual grievances are and if the relationship is salvageable. Then you can decide what you want to do.

Agreed on all points. In my experience there is always more to the story and the first post and later information completely confirms that fact.

[Calatrava r]

Sounds like walking away makes sense for both of you. Splitting the pot to fund two households and lifestyles may take some time to adjust to. Best of luck.

[samson66]

Originally Posted by Dan Pierce

Marriage is nothing if not a constant lesson in humility. If BOTH are not willing to fall on the sword on occasion it makes for a very rough road, leading to a dead end.

Been married 38 years and fallen on lots of swords.
dP

True words right there. When in a fight or battle with the SO, one has to be the bigger person and take the high road and like Dan says, fall on the sword. And more often than not, it's the guy who has to do it. Women are the more emotional of the sexes (no offense to anyone who disagrees) and in my experience it's up to the man to try to calm situations and sometimes give the wife "the win" even if you don't agree. If no one does this, things escalate and can lead to a toxic situation where each partner has no regard for the other. This can lead to emotional separation and eventually physical separation.

Been through one failed marriage - that was a different situation. Certainly been in my share of screaming matches in the current marriage. The older I get the more I tend to agree with Dan's "fall on the sword" strategy. Best of both parners do this, but toxic if neither does it.

[gates]

First of all none of us strangers know the whole story so any advice should be taken with a huge grain of salt. I have been married 33 soon to be 34 yrs and believe me it's not been smooth sailing - we have BOTH brought a lot of bullshit to the relationship but in the end we always seem to revert back to why we got married in the first place - she's my person, period, call it soulmate if you like but we just knew when we married that we're it. So, before you do anything rash I would suggest couples therapy (forgive me if you mentioned you have done this already) to get an unbiased 3rd party opinion on whether your marriage can be saved, it may not be and thats okay but I wouldnt divorce without being convinced it's over and "feelings" come and go and shouldnt be relied on for long term life changing decisions. My .02 - good luck to you.

[m j b]

I'm fortunate that my marriage is very good and I don't have any first-hand experience with the situation.

However, a close friend of mine went through a similar experience, except that they had children and he was the sole bread winner. In the end, he left her, he basically gave up everything - the home, his 401K, and he paid alimony and child support for many years.

After he left, the kids admitted that things were better without all of the hostility and tension, he remarried and is very happy, was able to rebuild his retirement funds and has a good relationship with his now adult children. We're often too focused on the financial things; all of the money in the world doesn't mean anything if you are miserable.

[Apdl]

Originally Posted by AzPaul

You sound miserable. One thing's for sure, it can't stay like this.
Best of luck.

Ditto, best of luck

[Boopie]

A marriage cannot survive if there is contempt and a lack of respect. It’s hard to know if that’s the case here, or it’s generalized anger.

How long has this been going on? If she’s post menopausal, is she on HRT?

You definitely need to talk it over with her, preferably with a neutral person you trust.

Not every divorce is horrible. That being said, if she’s feeling as if it’s all your fault etc. be prepared for a terrible divorce, lengthy, time consuming, emotionally draining, and expensive.

I have no idea if this will be the case, but given the length of your marriage, are you prepared to pay her alimony for the rest of your lives? There are computer programs (eg Dissomaster) where you can see exactly how much you will have to live on once you split. I know someone whose wife was going through a terrible time after she had a baby. He was thinking of splitting up, figured out what kind of apartment he could afford if they got divorced, stood in front of that apartment building, and made up his mind. He decided to stay married; as it turned out, things got better and he was glad he didn’t leave.

On the other hand, the joke, “Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it,” rings true because it often is.

That being said, sometimes divorce is necessary. It’s hard to know what to do from just your POV. People who seem to be happy together sometimes aren’t when they are behind closed doors. I know people who have divorced too soon, and others who have divorced too late, when bitterness, anger and contempt have set in and are always there.

Some people get happier after a divorce…I know many people who find happiness and joy in a second marriage…and other people stay miserable. It is important to know yourself very well.

Good luck!

[Piker]

I would say give her time to heal but 5 years is enough time for her to heal or decide if she wants to move on separately. I think it is time to walk away. Good luck.

[amg55]

Thank you all for your input. I can see that some of you are still going through some similar trauma well after you’ve walked away. There are a lot to digest. For now, I’m just doing and saying very little as not to spark any arguments. Just a lot to think… perhaps I’m just over thinking everything.

[Boopie]

Originally Posted by amg55

Thank you all for your input. I can see that some of you are still going through some similar trauma well after you’ve walked away. There are a lot to digest. For now, I’m just doing and saying very little as not to spark any arguments. Just a lot to think… perhaps I’m just over thinking everything.

This may be overly simplistic, but how about the 2 of you do a weekend getaway or do some other activity you used to do when you were newlyweds and absolutely crazy about each other? If you two spent some time in Hawaii, or in Nashville catching live music, or whatever you used to love, away from the daily responsibilities, would it be a total disaster?

[Dirt]

Originally Posted by Boopie

A marriage cannot survive if there is contempt and a lack of respect. It’s hard to know if that’s the case here, or it’s generalized anger.

How long has this been going on? If she’s post menopausal, is she on HRT?

You definitely need to talk it over with her, preferably with a neutral person you trust.

Not every divorce is horrible. That being said, if she’s feeling as if it’s all your fault etc. be prepared for a terrible divorce, lengthy, time consuming, emotionally draining, and expensive.

I have no idea if this will be the case, but given the length of your marriage, are you prepared to pay her alimony for the rest of your lives? There are computer programs (eg Dissomaster) where you can see exactly how much you will have to live on once you split. I know someone whose wife was going through a terrible time after she had a baby. He was thinking of splitting up, figured out what kind of apartment he could afford if they got divorced, stood in front of that apartment building, and made up his mind. He decided to stay married; as it turned out, things got better and he was glad he didn’t leave.

On the other hand, the joke, “Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it,” rings true because it often is.
Good luck!

Well put.
There's nothing like the payback.
The punishment one deserves underpinned by long held grievances and diminished trust.
It can be very real from what i've seen happen to others even though there was no actual wrong doing.

Fortune favours the prepared mind and to that, we make our own luck.

[L_S_SHOE]

Lots of good advice in this thread. I don’t have a lot to add, but I wanted to reiterate that we are never guaranteed tomorrow. If it’s over, it’s best to decide that quickly, for her sake and yours.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[amg55]

Such is life... why is it so difficult to make that decision??

[amg55]

I gently suggested to her to have a look at HRT, as some of you suggested. Well, that went down like a lead balloon. It set off WW3. The answer is clear. I’m only avoiding the inevitable.

[Andad]

You should have run that past me first.

I would have put that way, way down the list.

[1st amg]

Sounds like you need to suggest the "take a break" separation as she clearly has not let your infidelities go. There is nothing wrong with her feeling like that, but if she cannot get past it and is always angry and bitter, its best for both of you then.

[Apdl]

Originally Posted by amg55

I gently suggested to her to have a look at HRT, as some of you suggested. Well, that went down like a lead balloon. It set off WW3. The answer is clear. I’m only avoiding the inevitable.

What a terrible feeling, sorry to hear that. GL

[Watchdoyouwant?]

Originally Posted by amg55

I gently suggested to her to have a look at HRT, as some of you suggested. Well, that went down like a lead balloon. It set off WW3. The answer is clear. I’m only avoiding the inevitable.

Look, I’m really sorry this is happening to you, but it seems pretty clear to me that your ability to listen and take responsibility are causing you problems.

You cherry-picked the one piece of advice given to you about what was causing your problems that was not your fault.

“I’m sorry I cheated on you. Maybe you need hormones?”

I’m “shocked” that did not go over well.

[East Bay Rider]

Originally Posted by amg55

I gently suggested to her to have a look at HRT, as some of you suggested. Well, that went down like a lead balloon. It set off WW3. The answer is clear. I’m only avoiding the inevitable.

I'm sorry to hear. I've never been through it but I know many who have, and surely there are many here who can offer specifics, but I would offer that now is the time to consult legal advice and get your financials and personal property and electronics in order, off site before the proverbial bomb drops. You don't want to be reacting or playing catch-up.
Best of luck to you.

[gates]

Didnt read the part where you cheated - thats usually a deal killer, make an exit plan just in case.

[walds11]

Originally Posted by gates

Didnt read the part where you cheated - thats usually a deal killer, make an exit plan just in case.

Yeah, he slid it in there in post #19.

I am happily married going on 24 years. I don’t have any advise. Good luck OP whatever you decide to do.

[DougUSMC]

One of the best bits of advice I saw someone give another (not me) was this:
You need to decide if you're ready to be all in or all out.

If she is only looking to make you miserable, that will never change.
If she is looking to fix the relationship, it can change.
Either way, you need to tell her that you will not continue with the status quo.
If she is willing to go to therapy to fix things, you will work with her to do so.
If she continues to say she doesn't need therapy because she did nothing wrong, you need to tell her that making you miserable daily IS WRONG. Her refusal to do anything to ameliorate that IS WRONG.
Be clear to her that you will not continue to live like this. If she refuses to go to therapy to fix things, then your only solution is to end things.
It sounds to me like you screwed up and all she wants is to pay you back for that. You need to tell her that you are aware of that and will not live that way any longer.

Why is divorce so expensive??
(All together now)
Because it's worth it.

[Maleg]

Originally Posted by East Bay Rider

I'm sorry to hear. I've never been through it but I know many who have, and surely there are many here who can offer specifics, but I would offer that now is the time to consult legal advice and get your financials and personal property and electronics in order, off site before the proverbial bomb drops. You don't want to be reacting or playing catch-up.
Best of luck to you.

He cheated, he’s toast in the divorce. Any decent forensic accountant will track down all his assets and put them before a judge. Removing property that will be interpreted as joint to be distributed will not work in his favor.

Originally Posted by DougUSMC

One of the best bits of advice I saw someone give another (not me) was this:
You need to decide if you're ready to be all in or all out.

If she is only looking to make you miserable, that will never change.
If she is looking to fix the relationship, it can change.
Either way, you need to tell her that you will not continue with the status quo.
If she is willing to go to therapy to fix things, you will work with her to do so.
If she continues to say she doesn't need therapy because she did nothing wrong, you need to tell her that making you miserable daily IS WRONG. Her refusal to do anything to ameliorate that IS WRONG.
Be clear to her that you will not continue to live like this. If she refuses to go to therapy to fix things, then your only solution is to end things.
It sounds to me like you screwed up and all she wants is to pay you back for that. You need to tell her that you are aware of that and will not live that way any longer.

Why is divorce so expensive??
(All together now)
Because it's worth it.

She’s not wrong. He is wrong. We are only getting his side of the story.

[DougUSMC]

Originally Posted by Maleg

She’s not wrong. He is wrong. We are only getting his side of the story.

I think you're posting without reading everything.

He said he cheated, I'm pretty sure that represents both sides of the story.

I said she's wrong if she's intentionally trying to make him miserable daily and isn't willing to take steps to try to fix it. How can you say it's not wrong for a person to do that to another?

[Maleg]

Originally Posted by DougUSMC

I think you're posting without reading everything.

He said he cheated, I'm pretty sure that represents both sides of the story.

I said she's wrong if she's intentionally trying to make him miserable daily and isn't willing to take steps to try to fix it. How can you say it's not wrong for a person to do that to another?

I read the entire thread. The fact that he left out the most critical fact in the OP is very telling. What other pertinent details are missing?

I think you are jumping to a conclusion based entirely on his story. He claims she is intentionally making him miserable, but we don’t have her side of the story. He could be an annoying gobshite that is bitter that she isn’t putting up with his BS anymore. How would we know?

[DougUSMC]

Originally Posted by Maleg

I read the entire thread. The fact that he left out the most critical fact in the OP is very telling. What other pertinent details are missing?

I think you are jumping to a conclusion based entirely on his story. He claims she is intentionally making him miserable, but we don’t have her side of the story. He could be an annoying gobshite that is bitter that she isn’t putting up with his BS anymore. How would we know?

Ah, now I understand: You're not missing anything, you're insisting on being right.

I acknowledged he cheated (as did the OP) and said *IF* she's intentionally trying to make him miserable daily and isn't willing to take steps to try to fix it...

It sounds like you're focused on him being miserable for the rest of his life because he cheated. I can understand that perspective from both you and her IF that's in fact what she's doing. I'm not forgiving him the transgression or condoning it.

All I'm saying is that IF she is only staying in the relationship with the goal of revenge through making him miserable for the rest of her life then she's wrong too.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

[gamingdoctor]

Originally Posted by DougUSMC

Ah, now I understand: You're not missing anything, you're insisting on being right.

I acknowledged he cheated (as did the OP) and said *IF* she's intentionally trying to make him miserable daily and isn't willing to take steps to try to fix it...

It sounds like you're focused on him being miserable for the rest of his life because he cheated. I can understand that perspective from both you and her IF that's in fact what she's doing. I'm not forgiving him the transgression or condoning it.

All I'm saying is that IF she is only staying in the relationship with the goal of revenge through making him miserable for the rest of her life then she's wrong too.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

I think you two are both saying the same thing. We don't have all the details, there are a lot of "IFs" here.

OP, take ownership of what you have control over and do it; I'd recommend stop suggesting things to the wife that you think she needs to do.

[Speedbird-1]

There are always two sides, to every story.

[TRS1]

Originally Posted by Speedbird-1

There are always two sides, to every story.

Words to live by.