A message from the Queen of England

[Carolina]

Note: This is a joke, and meant to be humorous. It is in no way intended to step on any political toes!!

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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: -----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' -------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. -----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. --------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. -------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. -------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. ---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. ---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). ---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. --------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. -----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). ---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


Thank you and carry on.

[figbo]

Isn't that called comunism?

[cameron]

Pay attention Figbo - two m`s in communism. God bless the Queen.

[steelrolex]

Got to agree with order number 10. Whenever I watch a US whodunnit like Murder She Wrote I always know the culprit right from the start!!!

[figbo]

Sorry,dislepsy(don't know how to spell it also)

[toph]

Originally Posted by cameron

Pay attention Figbo - two m`s in communism. God bless the Queen.

Rule Brittania my Friend!

[Art161]

We want that babe Camilla as our governor.

[jdc]

Spoken like a true Brit Carolina

[swatty]

Sounds like a good move to me

[Goodwatch]

May I point out that the UK has yet to begin with using the metric system themselves. I don't want to be a stick in the mud but there you have it Stones my foot!

[DSJ]

QE2 for President!

[JJ Irani]

[Carolina]

Originally Posted by jdc

Spoken like a true Brit Carolina

Hmm, installing young Prince William would be a welcome addition...

He's just so darn cute!

[Carolina]

Originally Posted by Goodwatch

May I point out that the UK has yet to begin with using the metric system themselves. I don't want to be a stick in the mud but there you have it Stones my foot!

Stones?!? After watching BBC, I still don't know exactly how much a stone is, other than it's a value somewhere between 10 and 20!

[Goodwatch]

Originally Posted by Carolina

Stones?!? After watching BBC, I still don't know exactly how much a stone is, other than it's a value somewhere between 10 and 20!

1 stone = 6.35 kilogram. Tip: www.onlineconversion.com. So how many stones did you say you weigh?

[Carolina]

Originally Posted by Goodwatch

1 stone = 6.35 kilogram. Tip: www.onlineconversion.com. So how many stones did you say you weigh?

Ack with the metric!! Besides, I prefer pebbles. Petite pebbles!!

[1MAC]

Originally Posted by Carolina

Ack with the metric!! Besides, I prefer pebbles. Petite pebbles!!

Frans is right, 1 stone is 14 pounds. I think most women would prefer to say they only weigh 11 stone instead of 150 pounds! My patients appreciate hearing their weight in kilograms, can't imagine what they would think of an even smaller number.

[Art161]

Originally Posted by DSJ

QE2 for President!

The ship? Well, it would be better than the Titanic.

[Carolina]

Originally Posted by 1MAC

Frans is right, 1 stone is 14 pounds. I think most women would prefer to say they only weigh 11 stone instead of 150 pounds! My patients appreciate hearing their weight in kilograms, can't imagine what they would think of an even smaller number.

In all honesty, I truly wish we'd get on the metric train. I've used it for years in school and work, and it's a breeze after the learning curve. I'd prefer my weight in Kilos any day of the week!

[Jimbits76]

Originally Posted by Goodwatch

May I point out that the UK has yet to begin with using the metric system themselves. I don't want to be a stick in the mud but there you have it Stones my foot!

Here you Dutch git....you want to get a junior architect on a building site and see them try and work out what 4 foot 6 is!!!!!!!!!!! They even struggle when the oppos talk to me about 4 or 8 inch brickwork walls.

All kids nowadays use metric...it was taught when I was at school.

We just go imperial when it suits us...pounds and stones of body weight, a quarter or half of sweets, an ounce of Mary Jane and a good old pint of ale!!!!!!!!

The rest is that newfangled european stuff....although as I used to say...what sounds better...3 inches stiff or 7 and a half centimeters!!!!!!

J

[Goodwatch]

Originally Posted by Jimbits76

Here you Dutch git....you want to get a junior architect on a building site and see them try and work out what 4 foot 6 is!!!!!!!!!!! They even struggle when the oppos talk to me about 4 or 8 inch brickwork walls.

All kids nowadays use metric...it was taught when I was at school.

We just go imperial when it suits us...pounds and stones of body weight, a quarter or half of sweets, an ounce of Mary Jane and a good old pint of ale!!!!!!!!

The rest is that newfangled European stuff....although as I used to say...what sounds better...3 inches stiff or 7 and a half centimetres!!!!!!

J

Sigh.... 1973, a year that will live on in infamy And still no Euro

[Jimbits76]

Oi you can keep yer Euro's!!!!!!!!!!!!

What about our beautiful gold sovereigns???????????



One of the greatest and most attractive coins in Nurismatic history!!!!!!!!!!!

J

[Goodwatch]

Originally Posted by Carolina

In all honesty, I truly wish we'd get on the metric train. I've used it for years in school and work, and it's a breeze after the learning curve. I'd prefer my weight in Kilos any day of the week!

I prefer my weight in gold

[Jimbits76]

Originally Posted by Goodwatch

I prefer my weight in gold

In sovereigns??????????????????????????



J

[Goodwatch]

Originally Posted by Jimbits76

Oi you can keep yer Euro's!!!!!!!!!!!!

What about our beautiful gold sovereigns???????????



One of the greatest and most attractive coins in Nurismatic history!!!!!!!!!!!

J

With the utmost hesitation and after a fair amount of teeth gritting I reluctantly must admit this one is a bit of allright. But only just!

[Goodwatch]

Originally Posted by Jimbits76

In sovereigns??????????????????????????



J

Even in gold sovereigns

[ratae1950]

Originally Posted by Jimbits76

Oi you can keep yer Euro's!!!!!!!!!!!!

What about our beautiful gold sovereigns???????????



One of the greatest and most attractive coins in Nurismatic history!!!!!!!!!!!

J

Is that the Welsh dragon being 'speared' by a half-dressed English MP?
Kinky!