assorted mayhem

[Porsche]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vincenzo

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do considering my circumstances.
Love , Vincenzo

[Porsche]

*1*. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

*2*. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

*3*. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

*4*. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

*5*. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

*6*. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

*7*. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

*8*. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

*9*. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

*10*. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

*11*. Is there another word for synonym?

*12*. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

*13*. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

*14*. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

*15*. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

*16*. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

*17*. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

*18*. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

*19*. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

*20*. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

*21*. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

*22*. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

*23*. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

*24*. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

*25*. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

*26*. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

*27*. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

*28*. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*29*. How is it possible to have a civil war?

*30*. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

*31*. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

*32*. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

*33*. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

*34*. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

*35*. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

*36*. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

*37*. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn aeroplane made out of that stuff?

*38*. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

*39*. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

[Porsche]

Nine Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course
it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
people do this? Who and where are they?


5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No Loser,
I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give
me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[Porsche]

SCHOOL 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2010 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good caning by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School & parents get extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to uni, and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister tells psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's Mum has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal.
2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro gets extra tuition, passes English, goes to Uni.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. Class action lawsuit filed by anti discrimination commissioner against Education Dept and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model aeroplane paint bottle, blows up an ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2010 - Local police & AFP called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, parents investigated, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during morning tea and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison while Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[idk01]

Brilliant!!!! All Brilliant!!!

[Porsche]

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[Porsche]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He bested me at every move and I could not continue.

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

[Porsche]

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone...cause that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! with games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.

Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

[marshallr47]