The Art Of Love-making

[padi56]

- WEEGIE (GLASWEGIAN) STYLE Scotland UK.

THE PREPARATION

Friday Night is very much love-night for the Glaswegian man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Weegie
aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions his mind set on one thing. LOVE! Or as he say's himself "ma nookie".

His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance witd ma hole ?"

The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of picked onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply "Awaity feck ya bam".

FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife,
usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant --- "Here we go, here we go, here we go".

Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. (Editorial Note - This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision).

INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally) . Impotence is greeted with words like "Ya useless bastard" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman!".

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Glaswegian. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ya like to put your teeth roon this?"

The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "On ye go" she says "but don't disturb me!".

Unperturbed by this slight rejection the man drives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. However, a breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man may emerge from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke, "Bastard, you could have told me it wa' yez bad week !"

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.

Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Aw feck, I've shot ma load!"

If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Weegie, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as-"si!te !" or "ar$ehole!". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are yez sure it's in?".

Given his level of sexual expertise the Weegie's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man!".

Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig.

That's right - there's no-one in the world who performs quite like a Glaswegian, a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

[C.J.]

[mailman]

[JJ Irani]

[ralphieralph]