Retirement & the new toy

[Launch Mini]

I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion is my retirement
> and I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely bride. What I
> came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.
> For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
> less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an
> assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
> flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
> long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
> to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed
> assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
> goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never
> seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too
> cool! I've seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found this handheld
> one for civilians.
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
> batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
> disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
> directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
> create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
> effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
> against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
> back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
> it. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
> Yipeeeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
> explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There
> I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting little soul),
> reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must
> admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and thought
> better of it. She is such a sweet kitty after all. But, if I was going to
> give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
> some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to
> think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched
> delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the
> other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
> loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
> assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm
> looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch
> in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
> batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" trust me, but I'm getting
> ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll
> do my best.
>
> Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
> I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side
> as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
> a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
> under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
> one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is
> like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
> decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't
> ya hate that?)
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****!
> DAaaaaMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front
> door, picked me up out of that recliner then body slammed me on the carpet
> over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with
> my left arm tucked under my body! in the oddest position. The cat was
> standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
> undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
> caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
> You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
> hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
> won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.
> SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
> a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
> left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
> mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
> and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
> with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or
> two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they
> ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round. Miss 'em...! Sure would like
> to get'em back.
>
> I wonder what retirement day two will bring?

[JJ Irani]

Retirement day two will make you return the Tazer back from where you got it!!

[C.J.]

I can't remember the last time I laughed so friggen hard. That was hysterical, Johny But, please, don't buy anything any more dangerous than the taser, I'd hate to have to send flowers all the way to Canada, ya lunatic Next time, go for a drive and try it out on one of those arseholes that blast their music in their cars so loud that it can be heard five blocks away

[mailman]

[Mrdi]

Freight Depot has small guillotines on sale.
Just thought I'd mention it so you don't happen by.

[padi56]

Done that one some time back,bet that was painful on the family jewels.